Posted by: Tracy Barsamian Ventola | June 21, 2017

The Past Year…

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Why hello there!

So, it’s been about a year since I posted anything!  So much has happened.  But I have been uncomfortable blogging because I have been judging the hell out of myself, feeling selfish and insecure, not wanting to share my journey with the world.  But I’m ready now…

In the past year, I traveled to Peru three times.  Yup, I’ve spent six of the past 56 weeks (it’s actually been 13 months…) in Peru.

I’ve participated in 11 ayahuasca ceremonies.

I’ve transitioned from the role of participant in these trips to the role of administrator, as I now organize the trips and the hold the logistics.

Before I went to Peru, I was, well…asleep.  I was doing the very best that I could to be a perfect mom and a perfect wife.  My goal from the minute my alarm sounded in the morning to the moment I fell asleep at night was to make sure that my family was happy and healthy.

I honestly never even considered my own happiness.  I was a mother and wife.  I believed that my sole responsibility was to ensure my family’s happiness and wellbeing.

Yes, I had weekly babysitters and I saw very expensive healers quite regularly.  But the reason that I paid for those support services was so that I would be in good enough emotional shape to do my job:  to care take my family.

On my first trip to Peru (in April 2016), I woke up.  I realized that I was neglecting myself to the point of denying my own existence.  I remembered that I am a person, a woman even.  I have likes and dislikes.  And interests and passions.  And I remembered that I’m actually pretty funny!  It was a joyful reconnection with myself!

On my second trip to Peru (October 2016), I realized that my happiness is my responsibility.  The decision to hold a high vibration is mine and mine alone.

I am a mother who loves her family and I am a woman with a lot to offer the world.  And yet, for the past ten years, I’d only played only the role of mother and wife.  I stuffed the rest of myself into a little box and put it high up on a closet shelf.  God, I was playing so small.  And I am not small (which helps to explain the 50 pounds I’ve gained since becoming a mother!).

You know, there is so much debate around mommy wars:  working moms vs stay at home moms.  What a fucking waste of time.  Moms, we all got screwed by patriarchy!  Both of our choices suck.  It is time for us to rewrite motherhood!  We have a responsibility to (1) bring our talents into the world by doing work we love and (2) raise our children who we love so much, well and slowly.  Both “sides” are right.  Where we’re wrong is in thinking that the solution is one extreme or the other.  The truth lies in the middle.

I’m going to be honest, the third trip (May 2017) rocked my world.  I met Voldemort on the trip and it scared the shit out of me.  I had to face every single fear I’ve ever had.  And do you know what I learned from my encounter with evil?  I learned that you can only meet evil with love.  You cannot get scared.  You cannot get angry.  All you can do is send love to the darkness.  All you can do is love the people who are unable to resist the evil and (the easy part is to) adore the warriors of love who hold space and send so much light into the world that the darkness doesn’t stand a chance.

And from this lesson of light and dark came another amazing gift.  I realized that my mother was not dark.  She was pissed off and crazy.  She was exhausted and mean.  But she was not dark.  In fact, my mom was an angry, but fierce warrior and as a result, I had a childhood free of darkness.  There was no evil in my world.  I was 43 years old the first time that I encountered true evil.  What a remarkably well-held and protected childhood!  I had no idea how lucky I was; I now have a new found gratitude towards my mom.

And I even think that the way she mothered me, without any words of affection or praise, was part of our contract.  I am certain that my biggest life lesson is about my own self-worth.  And her parenting style ensured that I would have to teach myself to love and value myself.  No hand-holding from my mama!  What if she was just playing a role for me?  What if she was contractually obligated to toughen me up?  I think we made this deal long before my birth.  And I think that she loved me.  And I know that she did the best that she could.

My mother died 13 years ago, yet somehow her spirit came to one of the ayahuasca ceremonies and through me, the plant healed the generational wounds that I held for my mother, that my mother held for her mother, and that my grandmother had held for her mother, and so on and so forth…  Once and for all, we set all the Tracy women free (my mom’s maiden name was Tracy – how funny is that?).  My mom and I freed our children and grandchildren from having to hold this burden any longer.

And so, my encounter with evil this past May, pretty much zipped up my mother wound once and for all.  And so what am I gonna do with myself now that I’ve healed my mother wound?  What is my life gonna look like now that I find my old story (my old wounding) rather boring?  Well…I think that I might just blog about it!  Welcome to Off KLTR, Part II!

Thanks so much for reading!  xo, Tracy

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Responses

  1. Love you and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this blog!!!! Awesome job mama!!!

    • oh sweet Elizabeth! you’re the best cheerleader a girl could ever have! Love you, friend!! xoxo


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