Posted by: Tracy Barsamian | January 2, 2016

The F-ing Holidays




I do so much personal work.

I am always trying to figure out my role in situations and how I am contributing to any unhealthy interpersonal dynamics.

I blog about being a conscious parent and how that which upsets me in the world is actually a reflection of my own fears.

If you’d asked me earlier this month, I would have confidently said that things are going pretty well for me.

And then BAM!  The holidays come and knock me right off my pretty little pedestal, and onto my ass.

My peace and calm go out the window.  All my grace is replaced by the trembling, insecure little girl (inside of me who) I try so hard to love into growing up.

My peaceful breathing is replaced by heart palpitations and tears.

I have created a beautiful home, a quiet sanctuary, for myself and my family of four.  And it is here that I’ve been able to do my personal work.

But when I re-enter the stress of the outside world and I experience other people’s palpable feelings of anger and unhappiness, I am overwhelmed to the point of dizziness.  My senses are overloaded and my heart aches.  I am transported back again to my own angry childhood home where hurtful words were thrown like grenades.

So what is the solution?  To move to an island to escape all unpleasantness?  That’d be my first choice!  But unfortunately my husband won’t agree to plan A.  So I’m stuck with Plan B:  to better hold my boundaries and continue to do my personal work in hopes that one day, I’ll be able to stand on the battlefield that is the holidays and hold strong.  As strong as I am in my own home.

Our children are our primary mirrors into our own souls.  And so the fact that my home is (usually) peaceful is a big deal.  I am proud to say that it reflects the massive amount of personal work that I have done over the past nine years.

But there is certainly not peace in the larger world.  And where there is discord, well…I wish to be anywhere but there!  So I suppose this is the next step of my journey.  To figure out how to bring that peace and calm I have created in my own home into the world (as opposed to being swallowed up by others’ anger and unhappiness).

But I can’t lie, I’d really rather just stay home!  I like it here so much.  I am still a mess from this f-ing holiday and so I am not holding the space (the peace and calm) for my family the way that I need to.  I am teary and unhappy and off kilter.  And so, guess what?  Everyone else is a wreck, too!  Especially my two sweet little mirrors who are down and out with colds again (it’s no wonder why…).  Okay, I know I’m a broken record, but I have to repeat my tag line:  when the mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.  And this mama ain’t happy at all.  Thank God I have another year ’til I have to try it again…


  1. Sending you love & strength! And hopefully peaceful days. You’ll find your balance again after the dust settles. xo

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