Posted by: Tracy Barsamian Ventola | October 9, 2015

DON’T spend all the money on the kids!

Lauren

My Grown-Up and Five-Year-Old Healers Hard at Work!

Back in February, I wrote about being a selfish mother and how the patriarchal tenet that mothers must be selfless hurts women and damages families.  I talked about how, by taking time for myself and filling up my own cup,  I am a better mother.  With a full cup, I am better able to love and nurture my children.

And today I’d like to broaden my selfish statement.  In addition to needing to take time for myself, I also focus on my own emotional and spiritual healing before my children’s.  Yup.  You read that right.  If the household is a wreck, I get myself back on track first, then I deal the rest of the lot.  Selfish?  Yup.  Best thing that I could do for my children?  Double yup.  These statements go against the cultural norm.  Mothers are still expected to sacrifice themselves for the “benefit” of their families (their children most certainly, but often their husbands and parents as well).

I have heard so many friends say that they don’t do much healing work on themselves, preferring to spend all the money on their children’s therapies.  This is a selfless act.  As little girls, we are taught to grow up to be selfless mothers.  We are taught that by ignoring our own needs and focusing on our children’s needs that we will raise happy and healthy children.  But this selfless strategy always backfires because our children’s issues are a reflection of our own issues.  Until we do our own personal work, our children’s happiness and freedom remain an unattainable dream.

“Our children are responding to us all the time and are often demonstrating to us what we are not dealing with. When we work on ourselves as mothers and fathers, we allow our children to shift to a new position. We are constantly teaching our children what the world is like. We must clear our own fearful responses so that our children have an opportunity to live a different world.  And more importantly, we need to honor them for showing us our own blind spot.”  –Joy delGiudice

When mothers heal themselves first – often without even directly treating the children! – our own wholeness heals our children.  This is because our children serve as our mirrors, and they are quite literally mirroring our own traumas and our greatest fears.  As adults we have buried these traumas and fears deep in our subconscious, but while they are out of our minds, they are most certainly in our energetic fields.  And to our children, our energy speaks much more loudly than our words.

When we see unsavory behaviors in our children, we want to pour all of our time, energy, and resources into healing our children.  We know this pain.  We are actually feeling (what we believe to be) their pain.  But it is not necessarily their pain.  It is most likely just a mirror of our own pain.

As I’ve explained in the past, when my big girl is most out of her body – when her behavior most dizzies me – it is because she is mirroring a trauma or a wound in my energetic field.  In these instances, she is clearly not happy and her behavior is making the rest of us very unhappy.  In an effort to stop the behavior, I could fill her day with therapies.  I could spend half of my family’s income at the Lydian Center – chiropractic, homeopathy, kinesiology, acupuncture, cranio-sacral, brain gym.  In fact, I have done all these therapies for my big girl in an effort to heal her.  But time and again, we see the biggest, most life-changing results when I spend the money on my own therapies.  In fact, I rarely schedule any appointments for my children these days.  If they take a nasty fall off the jungle gym, I do get them right into the chiropractor for an adjustment.  If they are physically sick, I take them to our MD/homeopath.  But, when their behavior is out of whack, I schedule an appointment with Joy delGiudice FOR MYSELF and we clear MY issue that the girls are mirroring for me.  And by clearing my wounds, I free my children from having to carry these burdens (on my behalf).

I’d like to share another example – this time of my fears affecting my little girl.  If you know me personally, you know that my little girl is attached at my hip.  She is five years old and at park days she can always be found with me (most likely snacking!).  She rarely plays with the other children at the park, preferring to spend the whole time by my side.  She is an incredibly capable five year old.  She plays independently better than any other child I’ve ever met.  But she never chooses to play with the other kids at the park.  I kept thinking that she’d grow out of it…but she hasn’t…and so recently, I marched into my healer’s office, ready to treat the five year old and resolve this situation once and for all!  Well…guess what we found out?  I am scared sh*tless that my sweet little girl with poor vision is going to get hurt at the park.  Park days can be really busy.  There can be lots of kids running around, playing tag, climbing and bumping into one another.  What if my little girl gets hurt in the midst of all this commotion?  What if she gets pushed off the jungle gym?  I’m scared that it’s not safe.  I NEVER SAY it’s not safe for her or insist that she sit by my side where I can keep an eye on her.  But in my energetic body, I am scared for her safety and she reads my unspoken fear-based message loud and clear.  She obeys my unspoken warnings and stays close to me.

So what can my healer really accomplish by working on my daughter?  Not much since MY fear is causing her behavior.  But if I resolve MY fears, I can free her of my baggage.  I had one session on this issue, but there’s more work to be done.  Only by clearing my own fears can I free my daughter – so she can run, jump, skip, and play tag with her big sister and all the other kids at park day.  But I’m not gonna lie, it’s hard for me.  The charge is huge.  It’s gonna take a lot of work on my part.  And in the meantime, I have to really be careful not to take out my frustration on my little mirror when she is trying to crawl into my womb at the park.  She and I are stuck in my energetic muck.  She is my mirror.  And, it’s my job to work through this fear in order to set us both free.

I share this story in hopes that my experience might help other mamas working tirelessly to help their children who are suffering.  It is tempting to funnel all your time and resources into your children’s therapies.  I know that you just love them so much.  But don’t do it.  Spend the money on yourself – on your own healing – and your children will be healed as result.

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