Posted by: Tracy Barsamian | October 16, 2012

Our Children are a Mirror for Us

Unhappy Keira on Lauren’s 2nd Birthday

Casa de Off KLTR has been OH SO Off Kilter for a couple of weeks now!  Lots of meltdowns.  A few by the 2-year-old and a few by the 38-year-old, but the primary melter-downer is the 6-year-old.  And I’m going to admit right here and now that it triggers me when she screams and hits and kicks and flails.  I would like to play the role of outside observer; to pretend that I am watching a show on television or something.  I think maybe it’s the hysterical energy that triggers me.  It feels like someone is flashing a fluorescent light in my face super quickly, over and over again.  And I need it to stop!  NOW.  And let’s face it, me reacting and my adding my (p*ssed off) energy to an already volatile situation, is like adding lighter fluid to a fire that is already fully ablaze!  But I think that Keira is also experiencing something that she finds intolerable and that’s why she is tantruming.  But what is triggering her??

A very wise woman pointed me in the direction of this blog called the Carol Blog.  A recent post was entitled Three Reasons Why Your Kids Don’t Get Along With Each Other.  You can read the article to learn about all three reasons for sibling rivalry that she sites.  But what struck me the most about her post was the following,

“When it comes to sibling rivalry, most parenting advice out there assumes that the problem is with one or more of the children who are in conflict.  But there are underlying reasons why sibling rivalry rises in the first place…

Siblings reflect the tension in the home.  Our children are a mirror for us. When you notice that your kids don’t get along with each other on a more frequent basis, examine any tension within yourself and among the people living in your own home.

Is there underlying conflict between you and one of your kids? Between you and your spouse? Within yourself?

If the energy of your home is stressed and tension, your kids won’t be able to feel relaxed and at ease with each other.

Start looking within before you assume the problem lies only between your children.”

Hmm…these are wise words…a bit difficult to digest…but when taken out of the context of my own family (for which I am responsible for setting the tone), it sure makes sense!  Oh my dear sweet mirror…

I am working on Carol’s energy profile system.  It’s kind of a weird format, though.  You sign up (it’s free) and then she sends out one of the (six?) segments each day.  So I’ve only completed the first segment.  So give me about a week and when I’ve finished it, I’ll share my thoughts!  I know that you’ll all be holding your breath ’til then (wink-wink).


  1. I’m so checking this out. Another person who I feel seems to know her stuff and deals a lot with the parental triggers is Jolette Jai. I bought her “40 Days to Peaceful Parenting,” which sounds like a corny title, but listening to her speak had me convinced she knew her stuff. I, of course, have not had time to DO any of it. But I have all the downloads in my inbox waiting for me. I’m happy to share.

  2. Hi

    Great blog as usual! Carol sounds like a neat lady! Hug to you for an easy peasy day.

  3. Sorry that things have felt off kilter in the Ventola house recently, Trace. I hope that you’re having good luck with the energy profiling and that things start to feel more peaceful very soon! I doubt any of the parenting books would condone it, but I hope you know you’re always welcome chez moi should you need a respite! 🙂 xoxo

    • Thank you, Nick! A long weekend in sunny CA with you sounds ooooooh so lovely!!!

  4. I’m not happy with this mirror stuff….. I was happier when I could blame them for everything. I’m a perfect mother 🙂 and that’s the story I’m sticking to.

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